“Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

After reading this verse the other day I began to ponder the question: What message is my life proclaiming? I know many people and all of them know I am a Christian but what about the people I interact with on a daily basis. Does my family/friends see Christ in me?  Do I treat the people I deal with daily the way Christ would want them to be treated? Whether it be my husband, a co-worker, or even the cashier at the grocery store.

I realized this week that I have to earn the right to be listened to. If my actions dont match up with my words..who is going to take the time to listen to me.

Jesus described himself as the light of the world but he also describes us his followers by saying “you are the light of the world and that we are to let our light shine.

I think of a light bulb. It is meant to shine and illuminate its surroundings. However, if there is something blocking the light- there is a shadow and the light is not seen in full strength. This is the same for our lives. Our light is not able to shine for others to see when there are things in our lives that are blocking it. The main thing I could think of in my life that is blocking my light is my schedule. (I know if my husband reads this he will chuckle bc we have this conversation often) I am not working or in school right now..but yet some days…laundry does not get done, the house isnt vaccuumed and the garbage doesnt get taken to the dump. I find myself lying in the bed at night trying to not fall asleep while Im praying and spending time with the Lord. What is it that I am doing with my time? I am sleeping until 10am, I am going out to eat lunch, I am watching tv….pretty much doing all the wrong things. I have become caught up in doing all these things that I have not taken the time to spend time in prayer and devotion and just feed my spirit. Just like a light bulb that isnt screwed in all the way…I have lost connection with my “source” and my light is not able to shine for everyone to see.

After pondering this for many weeks now. I have come to the conclusion. Its time for a change. Its time to take all the unnecessary things out of my life. I want people to look at me and say “I want what she has.” I want to be the light God intended me to be for everyone I come encounter with.

Another thing my husband will chuckle at…as I was writing this…I started humming the tune to the Newsboys “Shine”

I hope this post finds you feeling refreshed after a relaxing weekend and ready to shine for Christ throughout the week.

I take my NCLEX on Thursday. I am very nervous and scared.

This week has been tough. I do not know if it is hormones or what but I feel like everyday I am overtaken by a new emotion. Sunday I just felt relaxed and mellow and felt really good about the week. Monday came and I started feeling overwhelmed and I began to have my own little pitty party while I sat home alone (I will address the sitting home alone later in this post…) Today as the day moves on my emotions have changed from overwhelmed to just discouraged by many things that are going home, im tired..but I try to state excited bc my husband will be home at 330 and this will be the first day since early last week sometime (???) that we will have more then 30 minutes together.

My major emotion right now after talking to my husband is thankful. I am thankful that he is trying to provide for our family. Between driving  between jobs and working he is gone about 18 hours out of the day and working 6 out of the 7 days in a week. I know he is tired and I know he misses being at church and hanging out with his wife and friends but he is doing what has to be done at this point in our lives.  So Jake, I hope you read this..and I hope it brings you encouragement bc I know you need it right now. I know you have met opposition from me and others about working so much and missing out on so many things right now but I love you and thanks for doing what you have to do.

I have been taking 3 or 4 NCLEX practice tests a day and they say if you make higher than 50% you will be good on the NCLEX. I range anywhere from 62% to 75% so Im hoping they are right. Everyone say a prayer for me on Thursday morning.

Church was really nice on Sunday morning. It was the first Sunday in a while that i have been able to completely clear my head and just worship. Worship was the bests its been in a while on Sunday…in my opinion. It is really great to see our church growing little by little and Im hopeful it will continue to do so.

After reading back on this post I know it sounds pretty depressing or just like I sat down to have a pitty party but I figure this is the best way to vent!

Since I last posted these are some of the events that have taken place in my life:

• I graduated nursing school on December 12th
• I got a job at beaufort memorial hospital working the night shift (which Im leary about…)
• I turned 23 on Christmas day…and with this I also celebrated Christmas with both mine and Jakes families.
• I brought in the new year with my husband and about a million of our closet friends at Channelside in tampa, florida
• On January 1st, I sat at Raymond James stadium (for only 3 quarters) and watched the gamecock football team lose and make me wonder why I ever wanted to drive 9 hours to see them play.

So..I guess I have been kind of busy. But it has been a very relaxing couple of weeks. Jake and I have both been off for a few weeks and we have been able to not have to work and just spend some much needed time together.

I have had time to read 3 books since I finished school. I never had time while I was in school so it has been nice. I have read two of the Twilight series books and have started my third. But the best book I read was “Fasting” by Jentezen Franklin. I started reading this book and could not put it down. I think I read it in a matter of hours. If you are thinking of fasting anytime soon, I highly recommend it. It is a very empowering book and I also learned a lot about the fasting process while reading it. Jake and I along with our church are going to fast starting January 11th. I am very excited about it. I know God has great things in store.

However, I was thinking and praying on my way to school. In the past my prayers would have gone something like this: God please let me pass. I have to pass. I do not know what I will do if I dont pass. Today however I found that I was praying a totally different prayer. Instead of the latter it went something like this: God, I know I know this stuff. Please give me the wisdom to do well and let what I know be able to flow onto the paper. If its your will I know I will pass…but if it isnt Lord..I know you have a bigger and better plan.

I thought back to even years ago when as I was praying it was ” I want..” But also as I look back I can see that a lot of times my plans didnt coincide with Gods. I wanted to be a physicans assistant…he had other plans. I wanted to be a mom…he didnt think I was ready. I wanted to get married in 2005…he thought I should wait until 2007. I have all these ideas about what I want..but I really rarely used to think…is this what God’s will for my life is?

I cant say yet (but hopefully I will be able to Wednesday morning) whether Gods will is for me to be a nurse, a mother, a stay at home mom, etc but I know that whatever His will is..it will be perfect in its own way. Im not being negative…but I know that if I do no make it thru this exam tomorrow morning and do not graduate on Friday..its all in Gods plan..and as much as I know this and Im ok with it..Im still worried (as I think anyone would be).

Well, I need to study..but as I was sitting at the chinese resturant for lunch yesterday they had Benny Hinn and tv and the only part I saw of his message was when they flashed the verse up:  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Phillippians 4:11. So im going to try to be content. Im not going to get myself worked up come tomorrow afternoon when Im waiting on either a phone call from the school or my grade to come up online…im just going to know the God is in control!

EVERYONE SAY A PRAYER FOR ME TOMORROW. MY EXAM IS AT 9!

So…its been a while. Im sure most of you know I have a TWO more important things to be doing right now instead of blogging….my two exams. They are on Monday and Tuesday and Im just ready for them to be over with. Then I will have Friday to look forward to. I graduate at 2:30 then my hubby and I are off to a weekend getaway. It will be great!

I have been sick with strep all week. You would think being an almost nurse I would be smarter..but yesterday my throat felt better so I stopped taking the antibiotics. 24 hours later..im regreting it. I have a fever and my throat hurts again

I went shopping today with my sisters and mom and so Jake decided to go see his family in Ga. He ended up going hunting and now has decided to stay the night so he can hunt with his brothers tomorrow. If you know me..you know that I have already called my sister to come stay with me bc Im a big baby. But him being away has really made me realize how important family is. I couldnt imagine being without him for more then one night..and my sisters and mom and I had so much fun today. we spent the whole day shopping and just hanging out. It was much needed!

So…I have posted some pictures (hopefully) from thanksgiving with Jakes family. Enjoy!

This week has flown by! on Tuesday I completed my last clinical at TCL. I ended my TCl clinical career with the most upsetting patient ever. It is these kind of patients that make you wonder if you have the nerves it takes to be a nurse. A week ago this lady was a full code (meaning if she went into any form of arrest we were to resusitate her) on tuesday she was a DNR. She had cancer that had metastized all over her body and her kidneys and by the end of the day her liver had completely shut down. We were keeping her comfortable and she hadnt woken up since last wednesday so my thoughts werent with her but instead with her son who had been in the room with her since she came in a week ago. Everytime you asked him a question he would answer but was on the verge of tears. I had made it thru my whole two years of clinical without really having to deal with a situation like this. It was very hard!

Jake was off on Wednesday so we got to spend the day together…and we got the pleasure of keeping the most beautiful little girl in the whole world! I kept telling Jake throughout the day…”I hope when we have a baby she/he is this good…”

Yesterday went by way too fast. We left yesterday morning to go to Savannah and we had a great time with all of Jakes family. All of the brothers havent been together since our wedding but everyone was there yesterday and it was just really nice to spend that time with all of them. We then headed back to hampton to do the whole thanksgiving meal here also…I felt bad bc we had eaten too much in Savannah and couldnt really enjoy the meal my mom had cooked.

Today…its back to the real world for Jake. He works a twelve hour shift today. Im going to go to the movies and walmart with my sisters and mom.

Tomorrow is the big game…although I heard this morning that it really doesnt matter if we win or lose bc we are going to the Outback Bowl most likely. yay! I have been twice and it was so much fun! It looks like we will be leaving on the 29th of December…on the 31st we will go to the pep rally and parade in Ybore City and do the whole fireworks thing…then hopfully go to the game on the 1st and drive back happy..bc we won!!! haha.

Anyways, I hope everyone had a very nice Thanksgiving. Its less then one month until Christmas and hopefully we will get to spend some more quality time with jakes whole family!

Today has been great although I was woken up at 4:30am to Molly (the 80lb lab) squeezing her way inbetween Jake and I. I didnt fuss and instead scootched over bc I know she was probably cold on the floor. Or that is what I thought at the time. Come to find out she wanted to get in our bed bc she had ripped all the stuffing out of hers on the floor.

Im so glad Jake is working in Walterboro now. That means when he leaves at 4 he gets home at 4:30 not 6:00. That hour and a half really makes a difference when we dont get to see each other that much.

I took my last test today in one of my classes. I made a B…sadly this is not the class Im worried about

Anyways, I need to clean before Jake gets home and figure out what to do with these chicken tenderloins for dinner. Any suggestions?

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

————————————–

As I was listening to this song God opened my eyes to many things. Right now it feels like everything has hit at once: school, finances, tension between friends, etc. But through all of this, I have shut down. I have become stagnant and havent been interested in hearing what anyone says, even God. I am constantly seeking answers from Him but I dont wait for a reply. I have taken too many things into my own hands and at this point it feels like so many of these things might crumble in front of me. It really upsets me and makes me angry that it has taken me being on the verge of something potentially life changing that I finally have a desire to sit and wait for an answer and for guidance.

Out of everything I have done wrong lately. I have let my husband down the most (besides God). I have avoided calling myself out..but there are many things that I have refused to be obedient about. I argue, I barter, and I yell. I have not been leading a good example for anyone else around me and I have let my husband down.  I found this earlier on a blog and it really hit home:

                           Obedience is like a dance of love. An obedient Wife is treasure beyond all others. An obeient wife brings peace, harmony and joy to a marriage.

Obedience is so simple, listen for an instruction from your Husband then obey. Obedience is an opportunity for a Wife to show her love and respect for her Husband.

As many of you know I am very strong willed and stubborn. However, in being this way I have not been obedient to my husband. I grew up in a household where the wife/mother was in charge of the finances, the household (not bc my father didnt want to do anything..but bc my mother likes things her way..) I feel like if I argue enough, Jake will give up and I can do things my way. 1 1/2 years into our marriage I have figured out that this is pulling us apart.

As I have so many questions for God, I want to listen and wait for an answer. But most of all I want to worship and serve Him while I am waiting. I want to be faithful in everything I do and so everything is changing today. I want to obey in every way possible, I want to turn everything over to God and wait for an answer no matter how long it takes.

~Sorry this was so long!~

Hope everyone has a great week.

I know someone else has already stated in a blog this week…”I dont know whats going on with me lately…” but dito (i dont know if thats how you spell that…). I am tired…tired of school (only 4 more weeks left). I am so burnt out. I cant find the motivation to study anymore..when i know I really need to. I feel everything crumbling around me..and really Im just to tired to try to fix it right now.

I know this post is going to sound so down and just like I am sulking but honestly I am tired of many things..and these are only a few: Im tired of being pushed around, put down, talked  down to…and most of this by the people who I care about the most. Things over the past few weeks has really just made me want to not be around anyone. I feel like I have just made a point of going to school, coming home, going to church…and trying to get home from church and just by myself so I dont have to talk to anyone…and most of this…bc I have been hurt. ( and I know this may sound directed to one person..but really its not at all….i promise)

My feelings have been hurt over a lot of issues…and one of them being ppl putting me down about how I dont have a “job” right now in church. And I go back and forth about it but really my job right now is getting thru school..and although ppl do not see this..i am serving the lord in my own way… i am trying to be a witness when I am at school and I am trying my best to serve him in my home and be a good wife to my husband.

I also think I am hurting because I feel left out alot now. I know alot of this is me just not putting time into relationships but then a lot of it is because Jake and I are now the only young couple in church who dont have a child. And everytime I am at church I am reminded of this bc for the past 2 or 3 months I have not left church without someone asking me “when are you going to have a baby…”

Anyways..for anyone I have offended over the past month I am sorry. I know I have not been a good friend and I know I have not put the time into relationships that I should have. And to my husband: I love you..and Im trying to be the wife I should.